Follow these instructions, and you'll be doing THIS a little more often.
Welcome to my Lessons in Sexy. Here, you will find extremely helpful tips in landing the man whose cock you want buried in your mouth. Sure, he might not call you after he blows his load into your waiting orifice--or face, because bukkake is so much more romantic these days--but at least you've applied the rules. The rules of how to be a sexy fucking sexy hot bitch and get you some dick, girl!
Lesson one: Initial contact.
If you're thinking of going up to this guy, who you have already deemed the hottest motherfucker alive, DON'T. Eew. Why the fuck would you do that? He's gonna think you're a thirsty bitch living in the Sahara. And for those who don't know what "thirsty" means, it means you're being too frantic. Too eager. You want the dick. But you can't let him KNOW that you want the dick. At least not yet. The proper thing to do is IGNORE THIS NIGGA. If he looks at you, LOOK THE FUCK AWAY. If he even comes near you, pretend you have to take a massive shit--thanks, Chipotle--and make a beeline THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM. In fact, shit, just pretend he doesn't even exist. Conversation is overrated. Lurk in the shadows. Sit in the bathroom for a good 15 minutes because you're waiting on him to finish showering. Study his movements. You're not stalking. You're studying.
Lesson two: Conversation.
So let's just say, hypothetically, that Sexy Motherfucker has decided that he wants to talk to you. Now, before you get all confident and decide to speak in actual English and say words that are actually coherent, DON'T. That's not cool. Too much confidence scares guys away. Therefore, be your usual awkward self around him. Say words you don't mean. When he flirts with you, be a complete bitch to him even though you are beaming inside that he has blinded you with his flirty smile and has directed those sexy gray/brown/blue eyes at your face. Walk away when he talks to you. Be rude. Guys love rude bitches. They have to work harder for your affection. And don't even think about FLIRTING BACK. You stupid whore, no guy wants a girl who's a whore. Okay, they do, but they're not supposed to know it right away.
Lesson three: Attire.
How you dress is important. Let us draw our attention to these photos below:
In the first pic, we have this slag--British slang--Kim Kardashian. In the second pic, we have model Agyness Deyn. Kim is dressed in a body hugging little number. Agyness looks a bit more eclectic. Now which look do you think will get you more attention? If you guessed Agy's look, YOU ARE FUCKING CORRECT. Dress like yourself. Guys just LOVE when you wear random ass shit that shows off your true personality. Mix dresses with sneakers. Wear oversized shit. Try out black lipstick and harem pants. And for the love of Bob, DON'T FUCKING WEAR HEELS. Not sexy whatsoever. Actually, all style cues on how to get a man should be taken here. And don't mind the name. They're just being funny and ironic.
Lesson four: Music.
It is a proven fact men listen to better music than women. There's just something about good music that overpowers a woman's tiny, female brain and renders her helpless to producing any capable thought about what she is experiencing in her ears. However, if you fall into the small margin of women who actually DO listen to good music, embrace it. Guys find it so unbearably sexy when a woman can say all of the Beatles' albums that have been released since the dawn of time. They love when you talk endlessly and fangirl over your favorite artists. It gives them total wood. You might be compelled to dumb yourself down and recite these artists when he asks what you listen to.
*buzzer noise* AAAAAAAAAAAANHHHHHHHHHHHH! Wrong. It should look more like this:
Battles (most of their songs are longer than 4 minutes. He will be applaud your patience.)
Sufjan Stevens
Fiona Apple
Alanis Morissette
Portishead
The easiest way to with Sexy Motherfucker over is to be a brain. They love them some music nerd-ass bitches who can talk forever about the songs on their MP3 players! Now that he's turned onto your intellect, you're ready to take it a step further.
Lesson five: OMFG SEX
Now this is where shit gets real. If you are a virgin, it is totally fine. Guys love virgins. They want to experience your sexual awkwardness. They want to watch while you fall off the bed, knock over a glass of water--that was full--or fall asleep with a guy when you're on your period and wake up to a huuuuuuuge blood spot on your shorts. THEY DIG THAT SHIT. Be awkward with the blow jay. At least it's getting sucked, right? Make your awkward noises when you moan. If you sound like a cow giving birth, it's perfectly fine. Cows are sexy. They relinquish milk. And who the FUCK doesn't like milk and cookies? Bottom line, your awkward sexual innuendos and "fuck me harder daddy" and "oh my god i love your cock" will totally make him feel like a king. And when it's all over, just sit there in silence. But not because you're berating yourself over how embarrassing it was. Because you're happy it FINALLY happened.
And it only took about eight months.
*The glass/falling off the bed thing and waiting in the bathroom TOTALLY happened to me because I'm that awkward with dudes. Oh and I write erotica from time to time. If you guys care, here's the link. ;)
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